Feelings I

Something a bit meatier today, though still angst ridden and apprehensive. I wouldn’t want to change the habit of a lifetime now would I? It’s another long one. It comes from a period  a couple of months ago when I was contemplating giving up, cutting myself off from the source of my feelings of angst and anxiety and just admitting defeat. I’ve decided that I’m not that cowardly (as the publication of these works will attest, little steps though xD). Read on for the meanderings of a soul, while tortured, realises that his issues are small beans in a big world and that others have far more pressing concerns.

I probably shouldn’t see her any more. Holding back begins to ache and restraint becomes almost painful whenever she’s in the room. I fancy her intensely (or maybe I just need a good lay? No that’s not it, it’s more than just physical) and want to tell her this but fear the impact it may have on our current relationship. I don’t want to lose her as part of my life in whatever capacity, so I’ll keep my feelings to myself and plod along as usual.

Caught between a lonely rock and what could be either; a very nice hard place or; a hell of rejection and humiliation who’s only redeeming feature is that it is, at least, familiar. I’ve visited before, and often, I swear they keep a room open for me. It’s fear of losing her as part of my world that holds me back. I want her in my life (as I’ve mentioned before) in whatever capacity she is most comfortable. If that means I must forego any possibility of sharing my bed and body with her then so be it. I’ll live, it won’t be fun, but I’ll live.

As I’ve tried to  explain to her before, I’m not very good at this. I don’t go out on the pull and intimacy requires that I trust the one I’m being intimate with. If I don’t know you, how can I trust you? This is what bugs me most. Every time I get to the point where I feel that I can trust the object of my desire, or I’ve drummed up the courage to make my feelings and intentions known, I get ‘friendzoned’. It sucks, it really does. There is nothing worse.

‘Friendzoning” is a despicable and cowardly practice that is not only not nice for the person being ‘zoned but also encourages the objectification and belittlement of those the ‘zoner deigns to sleep with. The implication being that the ‘zoner only sleeps with those who mean nothing to them. A friend is someone you respect and care about and who respects and cares about you in return, surely then it is far better to form an intimate relationship, or even just have a random shag, with someone who is a friend than it is with a total stranger?

What this line of reasoning tells me is that the girls who ‘zone me consider their sexual partners as either more than just a friend (implications of marriage, long term commitment, the works), or simply an object to be used for sexual gratification. I don’t think that every guy a girl sleeps with falls into the first category (or the second for that matter, people are complicated.)

Why is it that the prevailing attitude is that sexual intimacy will destroy a friendship. That it can is not something that I’m disputing, that it will, every time, without fail, is something I take issue with. We put far too much emphasis on the physical part of an intimate relationship, and dismiss the intellectual and emotional components as irrelevant when they can and do play a huge role.

If all you want is to get your rocks off then for fuck’s sake have a wank. The physiological results are the same and you don’t have to deal with any of the emotional uncertainty that goes along with any interaction between two people. If you want to demonstrate trust, respect, and affection then relegating the object of these emotions (because they are your friend) to the ‘zone  is actually doing the opposite. You may not want to sleep with them, but saying that it’s because they’re “too good a friend” is a lie, and doesn’t demonstrate any of the trust, respect or affection that you imply you feel when you use that word. It may be done with the best of intentions, to prevent the harm to their self-esteem of telling someone that you don’t find them attractive, but it is still dishonest. The most rational choice when choosing a sexual partner is to choose a friend (of course human beings are notoriously irrational) but when rebuffing someone’s advances honesty is always the best policy (In all things, there’s a post coming up on just that topic – K[now]) 

I, personally, have no problem with being told that  the object of my desire doesn’t find me physically attractive. I’m not the most strapping of male specimens and frankly I wouldn’t sleep with me based on physical attractiveness (I have been informed though that I’m not bad at all in the sack, so whoever turns me down really doesn’t know what they’re missing ;D). I can respect the honesty of a friend who tells me this, I might not like it much and I’ll be a bit down for a couple of days but I will get over it. Friendzone me and I’m gone forever though, I simply don’t have time for people who lie to those they consider their ‘friends’.

I got sidetracked for a bit there, sorry. Now where was I? Oh yes, not good at this.

I am completely clueless when it comes to flirting, I have no idea what kind of signals I’m giving off, if any, and am generally oblivious when such signals are being sent my way. Should I ask to hold her hand, or just hold it and see what her reaction is? Should I attempt a kiss? Should I ask first?

Totally clueless as to the etiquette of these situations (not having had much practice). Every time (well nearly, every time. Lets say most of the times) I’ve made an approach on an intended target I’ve been rebuffed or rejected. Either outright and honestly by women who don’t know me from Adam, or by women I thought I knew quite well through the use of ‘The Friendzone Deflection’.

This has led to a deeply ingrained aversion to rejection so that I sub-consciously seek to avoid it. I am aware of this aversion (does that mean that it isn’t sub-conscious?) and this makes things frustrating. Knowing what I want to say but being psychologically incapable of saying it. Sometime I feel like I must be cursed. Destined to bounce ‘what ifs’ and missed chances around in my head and never to express them. Except in the cowardly and limited way of writing like this, which of course is unlikely to be read by anyone but me. If you are reading this then I’ve had some kind of breakthrough. Writing of this sort is something I practically never share and you should feel privileged. (Yes, if publishing my jottings on my blog can be considered a breakthrough then I’ve had one. At least more people than me are reading it now, even if it might not be the particular person that it’s aimed at. – K[now])

The longest relationship I’ve been in (my marriage, not a stellar record there :/) came about through almost no effort on my part. We got drunk, ended up at hers, and I was there for more than 10 wonderful years. I gained a stepson and stepdaughter who I am inordinately proud of, even if I don’t tell them often enough, and a son of my own loins who, although he’s at the other end of the country right now, is the center and fulcrum upon which my world balances. That being said, my wife and I, had known each other for a long time before we finally hooked up having been at high-school together. My point is that we were friends before we ever fucked.

So, returning to the earlier sidetrack, (Because this is typed pretty much verbatim from my jotter the topic does tend to drift or jump about a bit, sorry. I thought about editing things properly and giving them some structure, but decided that would defeat the object. – K[now]) in my experience friendzoning is a myth, to put it kindly or, more bluntly, a lie. What it actually means is “I don’t find you physically attractive enough to consider sleeping with you, but still like you as a person” which is fair enough if this is what is actually said. What is not fair is the lie “I consider you too good a friend for me to want to fuck you.” I see this as oxymoronic and paradoxical. I simply can’t get my head around wanting to sleep with someone who wasn’t also your friend. I mean, why put yourself in an intimate situation with a complete stranger? Even if you met them in a bar and had a really good chat for a couple of hours, they’re still a complete stranger. Even more so if you met them in a nightclub where conversation is practically impossible.

I don’t like a lot of the language and unspoken conventions that have built up around sexual intimacy. The most glaringly obvious are the terms ‘stud’ and ‘slag’. A stud is a promiscuous man and it is term of pride and status. Women with the same proclivities are considered to be slags or sluts, highly derogatory terms which focus on a tiny part of a person’s personality and denigrates them based on that. It’s incredibly unfair in my opinion.

Sexual intimacy should not be solely about the physical act (you can assuage the physical need for that with a swift fap). As I touched on above there are emotional and intellectual components which play a role as well.  This is true for me at least, and I would imagine impersonal and irrational sex to be deeply disappointing. If I want to fuck someone, it’s not just her body that I’m after but the whole package. It’s not her body that I trust, or enjoy the company of, it’s her mind. She has a sparkle that has been sorely missing from my life for a long time and I’m incredibly grateful that I know her. I would demonstrate that by offering her the thing I value most, my trust (and at least one night of screaming passion). I’m crap at knots so there would be no strings attached (unless you want them ofc.) No expectations of anything but a shag between mates.

The above forms the core, the essence, of what I would say to her if I could summon up the courage, or write in a letter if I didn’t fear the consequences. I rehearse what I could say pretty much endlessly (I know, talking to myself, crazy) and imagine a positive response. I fill my head with the things I’d like to do to her, it’s better than pr0n (and nowhere near as, well, pornographic). I freely admit that she’s driving me nuts (pun totally intended). I feel bad though, harbouring these feelings and desires and hiding them from her, and that just adds a whole other level of self-inflicted torment to the mix. *sigh*


One thought on “Feelings I”

  1. Hello M,
    I guess I shouldnt post a comment but I ll provide a feedback of my own if you permit and you dont’t have to publish it.

    I havent read every details of your post feelings but skimmed through it and read parts.

    It reminded/echoed me some feelings of the past. Now I changed a bit and can have a new/different outlook on things.

    At first I d say nature is pretty well done in the sense two seperate beings can attract each other pretty strongly, to whatever eventual purpose.

    Having said that, laws of attraction are complex and kind of twisted by different parameters.

    some people say the couple is 1+1=3.
    Each individual + the couple, which is smth else.

    Now on the chosen one attraction and the mixed feelings, brain imbroglio resulting in not confronting the “enemy” I d give some hindsight.

    In the psyche dynamics it happens that what you atrributes/lend to/as the other’s behaviour is actually not, it is yours.

    See it as a mirror but a mirror of your own feelings disguised with another face. Then your desire fuels that image which you think is not yours and its behaviour might be interpreted as hers when it is yours.

    Of course impossible or very hard to see when you are in it. But with a little distance one can sometimes get some bigger picture.

    This image built is not the other picture and it is often the strongest when you dont know the other at all. The more you ll know her the less the picture will be.

    For the the word picture I ll change to Imago, this great book I can only recommend but very hard to find. Its a novel about some love story, but kind of unidirectional.

    Anyway, enough with too much blabla lets go to the point. One has to confront the other, manage the feelings, train in confronting others maybe etc.

    Hope that helps,
    L Xuthal

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